Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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