my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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