I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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