remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
