Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
