I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
All the doctor said was why
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
