know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
