I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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