I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
