My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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