6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
