I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I need to calm my uterus...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize