I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
