Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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