They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
