I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
