You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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