Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
