I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
