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I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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