First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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