Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize