i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i wish my penis had a tongue
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
