I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
