DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
