All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
