**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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