I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize
