That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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