god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
