I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
