You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
