i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
