when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize