I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
