I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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