If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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