I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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