Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
