I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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