Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Couch. On fire.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
