You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
