My hand turned me down
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm like, not good at living.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
