pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
