I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
