you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
