Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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