Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
