I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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