i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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