I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just forgot I was standing up.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
