I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
