we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
