Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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