My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
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