I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
