As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
