Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
