when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
