Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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